i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
