i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
