Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The beer is more important than you right now.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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