i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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