The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
