youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
