I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
