Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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