so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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