i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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