I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You can't just leave with hair like that
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
God, I missed his penis.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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