I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
