I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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