I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
