Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
