if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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