I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
