my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
