So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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