Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
