what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
