It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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