apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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