I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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