i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
