Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
