I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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