Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
