I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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