the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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