You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
