i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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