now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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