I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I have aggressive nipples.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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