i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
