i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
