my mouth tastes like poor choices
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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