i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
