Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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