Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
