All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
