I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
