so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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