so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
