Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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