a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
