don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
