You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
