There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
