He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
