I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Randomize
