some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
