I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
