Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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