i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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