I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
