Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
